Maintaining body image, weight, self confidence sucks. Am I right?!
I’ve always struggled with a light dose of body dismorphia. I was bullied about how I looked and chose to look growing up. Especially in eighth grade. The internet can be dangerous and I learned that back then on MySpace when girls who sometimes acted as my friends decided to use the platform to tell me their thoughts. Two particular comments are burned in my soul: “if you wore a yellow rain jacket out you’d be mistaken for a taxi,” and “you don’t deserve hair like that. I’m going to scalp you because it would look better on me.” Talk about Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.
These instances have crippled me. I have never felt confident or comfortable in my skin or clothes since. It also led me down a path to orthorexia later in high school and the first two years of college. It didn’t help that I was consistently comparing myself to my peers and my older sister. I mean we had the same DNA and she could lay in bed all day eating cake and still have a six pack.
What I know now is that society has a jacked up image of what healthy is. I also realize that I had no idea what my sisters relationship was with food or her body.
This topic is near and dear to me for a few reasons, one because my own struggles, but more importantly the conversations I’ve had in the past with my two best friends. Now I think it is valid to note that these two friends aren’t friends themselves. These conversations happened when they each called me on different days to chat. They simultaneously broke my heart and made me proud. We are going to talk about how in a moment.
Over the past year I’ve worked hard to be healthier. I watched a lot of people I love leave this Earth in a short 7 month period. I was struggling terribly with my own health long before this occurred. I was exhausted and had no energy. Which made me irritable and harmed my relationships with those closest to me. Mainly Jacob. How unfair to him that because I didn’t like myself or feel good that he too was suffering. I stopped taking photos because what I saw in my head was dramatically different than what would glow back to me on the screen. It wasn’t that I ate terribly or was not moving enough. We ate good food and cooked at home almost every night. I worked a job were I was on my feet and my office was on the second floor of a building. I didn’t spend every day in the office either. After losing people I chose to really take a look at myself and see what more I could do.
I want to meet my grand children, and I never want my children to morn a parent at 25. I let go of the idea of my perfect weight and began focusing on being healthy. I mean I was 125 pound college freshman and was just as sick and unhealthy as I was at 198 pounds. So I knew that wasn’t the right goal. There are a few things that I believe helped me get to the 160 -165 pounds I am today (you can read about them here). BUT losing weight is not the goal. Loving my body, and having more energy is. I’m happy to say that I love my body and I can keep up with Jacob now. I’m more willing to help with everything because I have the energy now. My journey continues to be an up and down battle with myself and I have good and bad days. I just remind myself to be kinder and that a number high or low, is not the equivalent to a healthy or unhealthy body or mind for that matter.
An example of this is my beautiful friend of almost 11 years. She is a mother of two children. What most people would not know by looking at her is that she bikes at the gym 3 miles multiple times a week, or that she practices yoga almost daily. She’s strong. She passes a stress test with flying colors and even sparked a DOCTOR to mention how “She’s really in shape for her weight“. Shame on you Doc. Most of our doctors are trained to first suggest that all our problems would improve if we ‘lost a few pounds’. How toxic. They dismiss that there may be another causal factor that has nothing to do with how much we weigh. How she inspired me during this conversation was her reaction. She agreed that maybe she could lose a few pounds, but she was healthy and on the right path. She is accepting of where she is at in her own body. Just like me she has good and bad days, but everyday she shows up for herself and family. She’s so much more than her body.
My other friend was echoing words I spoke to myself a year ago. ‘I don’t know how I gained so much so fast’, ‘ I eat healthy foods, and I’m always on the go’, ‘ I don’t drink nearly as much as I used to’. Girl, preach! It is so hard to know what is going on and its easy to fall into a place and not understand what lead you there. Again, this friend was sure to not admit self hate. She thanked God for her body and how lucky she was to eat dinner with her children every night. She said she would be sure to not give up and that she still loves who she is. In fact, I must say, if her confidence and gone down you’d never know by looking at her. All you will see is a wife and busy mom of three wonderful kids.
On the opposite end of the spectrum is one of my favorite humans. She is thin. She doesn’t want to be thin she wants some meat on her bones and eats to prove it. When someone mentions her “skinniness” it makes her pissy. She doesn’t have a disorder to make her that way and the jokes are not welcome. If you look at her genetics you will see the women she comes from almost all were like this. Are we all neanderthal enough to dismiss genetics when we talk about the weight we do or don’t carry. Or do we just like to attribute it to lack of healthy habits because humans are historically dicks to each other?
So whats my point?
The point is you are damned lovely no matter what you are dealing with. Your weight has nothing to do with who you are as a person and the value you bring to the world. DO NOT let anyone tell you different.
And for those who think it is your job to mention someone elses’ body and offer your opinion, don’t. You have no idea what is going on in that persons head. If you see someone who has lost or gained weight make sure it is appropriate to comment on it. You never know if you are unknowingly reinforcing a disorder. Lets not spend time reducing a beautiful mind down to the body that is carrying it.
